What character is your crypto?
Crypto isn’t always easy to understand, so we’ve written a handy guide to the character of some of the major coins.
Bitcoin. The beautiful blonde. Sensationally popular and widely loved. Never going out of fashion.
Ethereum. The popular guy who turns out to have a lot of issues. He has an IQ of 180 but spends an hour a day in therapy. It’s not clear how he functions because wow, is he conflicted. Even his neuroses have neuroses.
Ripple. This dude’s wearing a suit so he must be legit. You follow him and realise you’ve lost your wallet. Also your trousers have disappeared. Fortunately the dude in a suit has a pair very similar to the one you’ve just lost, and he agrees to sell them back to you. It only costs one of your kidneys.
Litecoin. Skinny fast guy. Might be part whippet. Only hangs out with other people his shape. Seems sure that fat people won’t be around in the future.
Tether. This guy’s clearly rich, but doesn’t actually seem to have a job. He must be getting his money from somewhere, but no one has ever figured out for sure whether it’s legal or not. You hang out with him from time to time because he can get stuff done for you, but always check your wallet’s there afterwards.
Doge. The office joker, but he only has one joke. He tells it repeatedly anyway. No one invites him to the party, but he’s there all the same. He’s been around as long as you can remember. Why is he still here?
Bitcoin Cash. The used car salesman who tells you his cars are better than the rest, cheaper, faster and going to be very popular. What you see on the forecourt is a bunch of empty minivans. You’ve never seen anyone driving one, and the conversation leaves you feeling like you need a shower.
Bitcoin Cash SV. This guy used to be a used car salesman but they threw him out of their guild for being too obnoxious. You don’t trust him as far as you can throw him. You mention it on the web and he threatens you with legal action via Twitter.
Beam. The stunning redhead who can do tensor calculus in her head. Smarter than you thought was ever possible. She’s way out of your league and you don’t stand a chance of understanding more than one word in three of her conversation anyway. Depressed about your previously unrecognised inadequacies, you end up drinking alone in a corner until the Doge guy strikes up a conversation with you. You are pathetically grateful for his attention.
Grin. The tattooed cypherpunk chick. You try flirting with her but embarrass yourself when you accidentally admit to using Windows, at which point she simply ends the conversation without notice and walks away smirking.