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The Case of the Dead Coin


This cryptocurrency was found with a large number of wounds, inflicted by multiple different attackers. Verdict: Death by Suicide.

A coroner has recorded a verdict of suicide after a cryptocurrency coin was found in an alley behind a popular exchange, bearing multiple wounds inflicted by a large number of attackers – apparently including a big cat.

For legal reasons the coin cannot be named, though rumours are swirling in the crypto-sphere based on recent market activity and the location of the body.

Sources say that the coin was no stranger to controversy, and had been known to go looking for trouble in the past. ‘The day it was born it forked another coin,’ one witness commented, on strict condition of anonymity.

It is believed that the coin in question was attacked in self defence by many different exchanges, crypto services and members of the wider community. The coin had been brought to the attention of the authorities several times in the past, but no one had taken responsibility for its behaviour. ‘This unpleasant episode could have been avoided if someone had paid attention to the warning signs,’ said another witness.

Cryptocurrencies are very hard to kill due to the decentralised nature of the blockchain and some members of the crypto community have expressed their belief that the coin will rise again. ‘Just as Voldemort survived on the back of Professor Quirrell’s head by drinking unicorn blood, so the coin might survive by feeding off smaller, shadier exchanges in the crypto space,’ commented an expert in the darkweb.

Others have called into question whether there can be any comeback for a coin that was so badly brutalised. ‘It can hardly be called a blockchain in the first place,’ suggested another expert. ‘It was centralised and most of its blocks were empty – the lights were on but there was no one at home. It never really had much of a chance in the first place.’